Things you don't do in public #1 belch if you are a woman. People just give you bad looks. Sometimes we get gas too and can't swallow it down. It happens.

Running into thoughts

You ever just run into a thought and not realize how much it has changed you? I had a thought as I woke up from my nap before work (didn't get a full nights sleep) what would it had been like if I had died before I graduated??? How many lives would be different? Have I ever influenced someone's life so much that it would be completely different without me? Would it be good or bad or both? Then I realized this wasn't the first time I had that thought. Back when I had been given the death sentence I had a thought about what the world would be like without me and that is why I make a point to always bring the cheer or attitude. I want to make one moment in everyone's life I meet unforgettable. Even if they only remember me for that moment and have no recollection of who I am but that moment changed something in them.

Point in case is at my new job there's a female who was friends with my boyfriend at the time and now I work with her. Something I did almost 10 years ago pissed her off so bad she's been bad mouthing me. I have no idea what it was and hardly remember her but she never forgot me. When we ran in the same circles I was nothing but fun so it's probably some crap about a boy or we wore the same dress something lame, but it made a difference in her life. What more can I ask for?? Make me a legend, I'm worth it lol :)

Weirdest story ever told about me started with, "yea my girlfriends a lesbian but she's in love me..." Most honest story I've told ended with "yea I'm a lesbian, I just happen to have fallen in love with a man." Strange shit happens and you cannot choose who you're going to love. Let love be love no matter what. I took that hit from the gay community and I've taken the hit from the straight community. My track record was women until I fell in love with my best friend. Shit happens and that's why they invented toilet paper. Why does it matter to you anyway when you're gone through 3 divorces but I can't have one marriage???

Cheating??

So I had a long conversation with a friend and tried to define what cheating is. From my pov and the way I think of relationships in general determines what cheating is for me. Cheating is getting emotionally or physically involved behind someones back. Right now the relationship that I am we both know that the mundane need to marry and settle down just doesn't make sense when your life expectancy is more than 30 years, and the til death do us part makes no sense at all. There are things, very few things, that I am not willing to do or just feel uncomfortable doing sexually so I cannot hold someone else from things that they enjoy. My partner is allowed to make sure those needs are met as long as I know about it and it doesn't happen too often. The same goes for me. No! emotional involvement ever. If there is even the smallest inkling of some sort of emotional connection it is time to get out of that one time fling b/c that becomes dangerous ground. Been there destroyed that, not fun. Love and be loved.

Now my friend feels that cheating is anything with anyone who is not the person you are committed to. Committed to also means living together even if you are in an open relationship. Holding hands, kissing, most def anything of the sexual nature and even simply flirting. Not quite that Christian sense of biblical togetherness but damn near close. It kind of made me feel like a sexual deviant and just plan dirty and wrong. Well, until I realize I have a lot more fun. He was hurt though. Very hurt by someone who lied to him and that formed something inside of him and he needs to not hurt any more or again. That I understand. When shit happens it changes you especially when its something that burns into your psyche. Be one and with one.

Most importantly be true to your self. Don't let anyone tell you what you should feel or how you should act. Be happy. I still try to get married even though I don't really want to just b/c it was ground into me when I was little. I know that I will not be happy in marriage right now but its still inside. I am not a slut by all means. I can name most if not all of my partners and in the last 4 years i can count them all on one hand.....ok 2 hands. I know what most of them are up and we're still very close. I am very careful and not an idiot. If I'm going to catch a disease and die it will not be a STI, for sure.

Cheating.....what is it? why is it?

Back in action or at least action sentences

It has been a long time since I have been by. So HI!! blog. New job, with training, moving and new kitten has kind of taken up my time. Everything is well. New job is working out now that I am out of training, still packing and getting ready to move and the kitten is evil and lovable. Kitten....yea she's a handful.

So I love House. I watched it last night....and....WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT???!!! Really??? Kal Penn?? I understand that is an opportunity of a life time but I loved your character so much and they killed him off. They didn't just kill him they had him commit suicide. I am pissed. I don't watch too much tv and it's one of my favorite shows and now I'm mad at it. *pout* Ok I'm better.

Its almost 2 am so I'll save the ranting for later. Time for bed. Good night.

People as pets b/c they are manipulated easily

Testing humans and their habits has been a very fun time. Someone said to me “I don’t let what others say affect my actions or how I think”. I thought about that for a couple days and started my experiment. This is one of my new co-workers and she’s a little…..hood-ratish. There’s this guy who is like GQ suburban thug more GQ than thug. Yea there is such a thing as a suburban thug. A thug who used to a hustler in the hood but has graduated and done something with his life, but still have carries on the aspects of the thug lifestyle b/c its been engrained in them. Anyway……. The characters are going to be, uh, Marie and Vince to protect the identities of those involved.
After I had a couple of days to think and plan my experiment I moved forward. I told Marie that Vince had a crush on her. He is not the type of guy she’s into. She likes high rollers who are flashy and big spenders. Vince is not so much that type of guy. The first day there was not much of a change. After that it was heads first flirting. She isn’t Vince’s type. He likes funny smart girls who are thinkers and head strong. The funny thing is Vince has a crush on me. Yea that made things even more interesting. B/c now the experiment is, will she treat him differently and how will she treat me since he isn’t interested in her? No one knows except me that this is going on. He’s cool people and he’s going to be on my team once I’m out of training so we hang out at lunch and talk. She hasn’t changed her attitude toward me yet but I’m expecting soon. I do get those eyes from her when we’re laughing together. It’s still on for another 4 weeks until we split into our normal groups. There will be and update.


TBC

Who's in your bed?

Gay or Straight? Neither. The world is full of people who feel that you have to be one or the other. Nope. In the history books everyone was just full of love and no one cared about who was with whom. At some point someone decided that it was wrong to just be loving on everyone. Why? It doesn’t matter who you love or want to be with. I don’t care what people think b/c this is my life and I will love anyone and possibly everyone. Bisexual isn’t an option from my POV bisexual doesn’t exist. Most people who claim to be bisexual just want attention b/c it’s usually some loud chick who wants everyone paying attention to her. Yeah I said chick b/c I haven’t encountered a male who considered themselves extremely bisexual. There’s always some female who had a bad experience with guys and just wants to be like all her little friends who also probably never have been with a woman. It pisses me off. If you like both then guess what you’re human. Its human nature to be in love with whom ever your heart feels is worth your time. It doesn’t matter what’s in their pants and under their shirts. Love is love and love and why should it matter? I just don’t see where it’s a big deal. I grew up and my mom had gay friends and I had gay and straight friends. It doesn’t really matter. I guarantee that people who might not know about me won’t change their mind about how they feel about me b/c of who I take into my bedroom. I just doesn’t change who you are. There are straight people I hate and gay people. I am an equal opportunity hater and lover. I am prejudice. I don’t like anyone who isn’t like me. Screw people who want to hate over something so insignificant.

I'm done now. I just had a moment today. I'm good now.

Talking to the dead

Every now and then it is something that must be done. My mother passed almost a year ago now. It was hard at first, very, very hard. I had closed myself off and I just couldn't deal with it. Once I realized it wasn't anything I could control she came to me and we could speak freely with one another. It's mostly just going through as if nothing has changed. Then there are times that she is trying to get to me but I am not opened and it comes out all fucked up. Where I have witnessed her dying or her casket is on my bed things that scare the shit out of me. I waited a very long time before visiting the graveyard again. I went out there a few days ago and it was insane. Since I am already sensitive to other worldly vibrations it was like walking into a Starbucks. I hadn't really realized that I left myself so opened to all dead. I worked in an environment where it was usually chaotic so any new voices or actions wouldn't make their way to me. But when I was alone just me and my thoughts it was there all of them.
I have been working a little toward becoming efficient with necromancy on all levels. I have taken too much time off from studying that I have become a little rusty. So when the dead speak I'm sometimes overwhelmed. Now in private I have picked up my studying. When its just me and the kitten b/c it makes things easier. Once I move into my bigger place I'll be able to set everything up the way it needs to be and it'll be easier.