http://writeworld.tumblr.com/post/67072019991

I don't know my future

I have no idea where I'll be in a months time let alone what I'll be doing in years. I thought I was going to be a writer. I can't think of anything else that makes me happy. I've come to realize that isn't going to happen. I can't write worth a damn. I never finished university so I'm sitting in an associate degree. I don't have the desire to go back b/c at the end of the day no one is getting their dream job. No matter the hardwork you put in. That's one thing the corporate world had taught me; no matter your skill, work ethic, drive, passion, hard work or experience, if you're not sucking the right dick or willing to compromise your ethical beliefs and morals you'll get nowhere. I'm too young to be this cynical but experience had proven time and again that working your ass is not going to necessarily get you what you're working toward. At the end of the day no one cares about you unless they can walk all over you or manipulate you into being just as horrible and greedy as they are. They keep you needing the job by keeping you poor while they get filthy stinking rich. The company I work at is no different. They got short sighted and made a decision for the present and close future but didn't think of longevity and the big picture. They needed quick money to get them ahead but that isn't going to get then pass the next five years. Long term goals and investments is what they needed. Part of why there's been four different ceos since I've been there and all other heads have changed as much if not more. But I'm just a peon to them. A no body.

I guess at the end of the day in the grand scheme of things that is what I am. No matter what decision we make in life it all is a grain of sand. Me being anything isn't going to change the world, save lives or make a difference in another 30 years I'll be dust just like everything else. Nothing really matters. They lie to you to make you believe it'll be different but it's all the same. That dash doesn't matter because no one is watching or caring about you. You live and you die and nothing you do matters. Your story isn't going to be a movie or book. You're writing it and the ending is just like everyone else's.

This life is over. I'll just ghost through the rest.

Clarity in a blink

I can't seem to do anything right. I'm about to walk away from it all. I'm cashing out my 401k and leaving the state. There's nothing for me and since ending my life is not option I have to find happiness and satisfaction. It isn't living this sheltered life. I tried to talk to my husband but he's got so much going on I just sound like adults in a Peanuts movie to him. He doesn't talk to me because 'he's a man' and they don't discuss feelings. I hate to leave him in a hitch but what else an I supposed to do? I went through the motion and did what was best and got nothing back. I can't put myself out there. At the end of the day I've got to be my reason for living. I'll either find happiness or new levels of high.

Want to go home

This human condition is not worth it. I've never been more alone. This weak body, sensitive flesh, and go nowhere existence. I want to go home. Humans with their entitlement issues, ignorance, and selfishness. I've tried to be mundane. I've tried to be normal. I'm tired now. Tired of working hard for nothing, exceeding expectations and getting nowhere, being the go to person and no getting results. I don't understand this society. Too much striving for approval for no reward. I don't understand. I'm different, rational, compassionate, and honest. I've tried and failed to become part of this superficial, materialistic, prejudice world. The experiment should be over. I want for the lush jungles, survival, stress free, relaxed and meaningful living. I want to go home.

Lonely

I wish there were more people in my circle like me. I'm alone. All I have is my husband and lately there's not enough hours in the day. I try to stay up late or get up early so I can be near him so I don't feel alone. It doesn't work. I need someone that can relate to. Someone that's been there or is going through it. I want to talk freely without having to hide. It'll never happen. I'm doomed to be the only one. Eventually it'll get to me really.  I won't have restraint. I'll be too far gone. The dam will come crashing down.

http://imgur.com/a/YilQS

I am he as you are he as you are me...