I must apologize to the world for my grumpiness today. It is my mothers birthday and I was having one of those days where I remember how much I miss her. She would have been 59. i put a lot of negative energy out in the world and I'm sorry. Some days I know she's around then there are other days I feel alone and that I am lost the most. I miss her and wish she was here to guide me and give me the advice that I need. In the end I couldn't take care of here like she did me. So I kind of feel like shit for the way I've treated people. Here I am alone in need of more than just a kind word but someone to comfort me. I know I can stand alone but occasionally I need that support but its ok. I'm going to be alright.

Hmm?

What do you do? I don't know but I realize that I just have to stop caring because its causing me too much heart ache and stress. A zebra cannot change it's stripes and a demon cannot change it's horns. Let the pieces fall where they fall and I can only accept it in the end. I will regain my strength so that I may stand on my own when there is only me left. The universe will settle it all in its own way. I am but a humble worker and watcher. I will not press my will against any others. I will let them stand and do what they will. The out come they will deal with and I will stand whole and pure. Let those who will lie, deceive, wish I'll toward me and go against me no only the wrath that comes from my rage and perseverance. Those who intend/ed nothing but good deeds and positivity be met with the same. As it will be from this day to end of my days.

What's the deal with the porn?

Over the last few weeks there's been this overflow on the web about pornography. Someone found someone's porn and it became a big deal, people get shocked about the porn etc. I don't get why it's such a big deal. Men and women alike watch porn. It doesn't matter! Ok I lie, it does matter based on the genre. As long as it's normal and nothing that involves animals or bathroom situations (if you get my drift). We are all adults so we are allowed to be entertained by adult films. Everyone masturbates (unless your religion says not to), everyone enjoys watching others perform, some use them for relationship reasons and still others use them for research for their personal bedroom time.

It doesn't matter people. Get over it. It doesn't mean you're not doing your job in the bed. Don't freak out. It's just porn.

A religious experience

I have not done much work in way of anything religious. I meditate occasionally and I speak openly to the universe a couple times a month. Tonight I went into the altar room and spoke with Santa Muerte b/c it is/was all saints day and day of the dead. I won't go into great detail but it was something to experience. the overwhelming sense of existence and life and otherworldly energies. B/c it was something very personal I will not go into detail but I will say that it changes things within me. Intense is a great word to describe it. I'm not saying that I am completely a different person but something is different. I think in different languages often but this was different it was ...special. I won't soon forget it.

This was not something random. Since we moved and possibly before we moved I was drawn to her without knowing much about her. When he began to work with her there as something there. I can't describe it. It was like an attraction of sorts. I was very curious and wanted nothing but the best for her. Then this evening he mentioned it would be a good time to speak with her. I thought nothing of it b/c I hadnt talked to Her ever. Then I felt it in me. I had to. I stopped everything that i was doing and I went to Her.

Something is afoot.