Weak

Its funny. I didn't want a relationship for a long time. Now I've become accustom to it and it makes me feel weak. I cannot tell him how I feel because he'll just say I'm being dramatic. I dont want him to do things but I can't tell him because then I'm controlling. I find myself being jealous which I hate. I wish I was of those girls that could be easy and polyamorous. I'm not. I wish I could brain wash myself to be more of who he wants, but I can't. I'm no jezebel. I'm weak and a push over. I allow myself to be walked over then get mad after. I'm a tiger waiting for her mate to die so she can move on.

He'd be better off without me judging and causing him grief. This being in love crap is going to kill me. I like to lie to myself when I lie to him. Hoping one day I'll believe it. Some days I think I'm cursed others I think I'm blessed. I thought it was meant to be and the last month was a test, but now I realize its probably goodbye.

I wish I were a whore so I could believe in sex without hurting the love ones. I wish I could be a hedonist. There's just not enough purell in the world.

"what use is a paper heart in the pouring rain?"


The vampire and the tiger.....sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. Hopefully next time I won't be the butt of it.

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Being mundane

We all live in this mundane world and I just don't get why. Some days it is easy and other days it is tough as nails. Ok so I won't run out and tell the world what I am and what I live with but it is damn sure hard to pretend you're normal when the dumb bitch thinks she can look down on you. *sigh* It isn't her fault she's ignorant and a puppet. It isn't her fault that she doesn't understand why and how reiki works. It isn't her fault that her "teacher" has no idea how to do a past life regression properly. But it is totally her fault that she thinks that her "new age skills" are better than mine. One day.....one day I am going to show her what energy work at its finest is like. Anywho. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant and easily brain washed. I realized just how easy it is for the mundane to be brainwashed.

There was a training at work. I guess b/c I know reprogramming when I see it I was not ready to accept what they told us blindly. It is also part of why I am struggling so much b/c I cannot change how I think to anything that is deemed lesser than my current mental capacity. Could I pretend so I could pass the training? Hell yea. It was just NLP at its weakest. Could I spit that crap without using the training and notes? Yes. Do I believe in what they "taught" us? No. The thing they failed to realize is that the skills they were trying to teach was made for in person manipulation. Or just the weak minded, so it is successful on 80% of the clients at work. During that training I understood what being in a flock of sheep is like. The shepherd said follow and so they did. When I challenged their techniques and pointed out more effect means they acted as if I never said a damn word. From that point on I realized it is better just to keep my head down. B/c soon after I got pulled aside for a 'talk'. I wasn't even rebelling for real just trying to help improve the situation. The results proved that it was a bunch of crap. The statistics fell. Implementing the brainwashing caused the entire building to fail and CEOs came a knocking. So now we're doing things the way I suggested. Hmm....what's that??? Increase in our statistics?? Who would have thought? I wanted to say 'hey I told you so' but I didn't I just stay hidden among the sheep not to scare the flock.

I want to be normal some days. I really do. I want to be rid of the knowledge that i possess and just be normal human. I can't I have someone who cares for me and ya know vampyres don't do normal very well.

Every vampire needs a pet. Occasionally it's a sucky job other times it is wonderful. I think that's why she wants to be my friend but thee position is already filled.

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Pet surprises

Normally my cat hides when people cover over. I am now realizing that its just the mundanes. It makes sense since neither of her owners are mundane. We hadn't thought about it until today. A newly awakened individual came by and she didn't hide. My cat is prejudice against the mundane. That is all

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Changes

Things always change. It is part of life. The big thing is how someone deals with change. I like change because I get bored of the same old crap day in and day out. I am moving and starting a new writing project. It feels amazing. I am worried about how the changes will affect relationships.

It isn't the voices in your head

Went to see my mom today. Some people believe that in graveyards there are just dead folks walking around lost and lonely. They lie to you. There are not that many lost spirits around there. I think there are more animals than people just walking around. There was a couple there today. They weren't lost they were just there and didn't even realize I was there. There were more kittens and hawks and puppies just hanging around. I guess I go out there to see if one day my mom will be there. She never is which I guess is a good thing. I know I feel her presence but never more. I don't know what I believe yet as far as the after life. I assume we all move on until were ascend. Why there are spirits still here? I haven't gotten that far in my studies. I just know how to find them and close them out when need be. I never really thought about asking.

Random prose

This darkness it eats away at you. I've watched you in all your glory become nothing but a bad reflection of your self. Lost and a danger to those that ask of your well being. The rain clouds never vanish from your world. I hand your the umbrella but you ignore it. So destined to be nothing more than a sad memory