Every now and again I wonder about where I would be if there had never been an awakening. Or what if I had been older? Would I have coped as well? Would I have freaked the fuck out? I like to believe i probably would have freaked the fuck out. I have the intelligence that I have now b/c of the experiences I went through. I know if I had not gone through it all then I would not have the patience and tolerance that I have now. I would be a different person and probably not as happy and perky and nice as I am now. I know I'd be a stereotype b/c I wouldn't have been drawn to the crowd that I grew up with. I will not lie to myself and say I would be just the same b/c I know I wouldn't be. I may not even be free I may have gotten locked up or something of the sort. But who knows? Right.

Home

I don't know who I am anymore. Some where along the way I lost myself and I can't find that woman, that tiger.....I wanna go home

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Tomorrow never dies

Sometimes I just wanna die so that I can start over. Why was I so ready to live in this world? Love keeps me here but I don't know if it'll always be enough. I wanna go home. This world is done for. I can make no changes. I have done all that I can do. It is time to transcend. It is time for ascension.

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What do I want to do? Occasionally I just don't want to do anything. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in my next life. I don't know. Then other days all the worlds a stage! I just can't seem to get on the same page more than once.

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They say you have to suffer for your art. Well dammit I think I've got that down. The last six months has given me inspiration for all sorts of work I just don't know where to channel it.

Weak

Its funny. I didn't want a relationship for a long time. Now I've become accustom to it and it makes me feel weak. I cannot tell him how I feel because he'll just say I'm being dramatic. I dont want him to do things but I can't tell him because then I'm controlling. I find myself being jealous which I hate. I wish I was of those girls that could be easy and polyamorous. I'm not. I wish I could brain wash myself to be more of who he wants, but I can't. I'm no jezebel. I'm weak and a push over. I allow myself to be walked over then get mad after. I'm a tiger waiting for her mate to die so she can move on.

He'd be better off without me judging and causing him grief. This being in love crap is going to kill me. I like to lie to myself when I lie to him. Hoping one day I'll believe it. Some days I think I'm cursed others I think I'm blessed. I thought it was meant to be and the last month was a test, but now I realize its probably goodbye.

I wish I were a whore so I could believe in sex without hurting the love ones. I wish I could be a hedonist. There's just not enough purell in the world.

"what use is a paper heart in the pouring rain?"


The vampire and the tiger.....sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. Hopefully next time I won't be the butt of it.

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Being mundane

We all live in this mundane world and I just don't get why. Some days it is easy and other days it is tough as nails. Ok so I won't run out and tell the world what I am and what I live with but it is damn sure hard to pretend you're normal when the dumb bitch thinks she can look down on you. *sigh* It isn't her fault she's ignorant and a puppet. It isn't her fault that she doesn't understand why and how reiki works. It isn't her fault that her "teacher" has no idea how to do a past life regression properly. But it is totally her fault that she thinks that her "new age skills" are better than mine. One day.....one day I am going to show her what energy work at its finest is like. Anywho. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant and easily brain washed. I realized just how easy it is for the mundane to be brainwashed.

There was a training at work. I guess b/c I know reprogramming when I see it I was not ready to accept what they told us blindly. It is also part of why I am struggling so much b/c I cannot change how I think to anything that is deemed lesser than my current mental capacity. Could I pretend so I could pass the training? Hell yea. It was just NLP at its weakest. Could I spit that crap without using the training and notes? Yes. Do I believe in what they "taught" us? No. The thing they failed to realize is that the skills they were trying to teach was made for in person manipulation. Or just the weak minded, so it is successful on 80% of the clients at work. During that training I understood what being in a flock of sheep is like. The shepherd said follow and so they did. When I challenged their techniques and pointed out more effect means they acted as if I never said a damn word. From that point on I realized it is better just to keep my head down. B/c soon after I got pulled aside for a 'talk'. I wasn't even rebelling for real just trying to help improve the situation. The results proved that it was a bunch of crap. The statistics fell. Implementing the brainwashing caused the entire building to fail and CEOs came a knocking. So now we're doing things the way I suggested. Hmm....what's that??? Increase in our statistics?? Who would have thought? I wanted to say 'hey I told you so' but I didn't I just stay hidden among the sheep not to scare the flock.

I want to be normal some days. I really do. I want to be rid of the knowledge that i possess and just be normal human. I can't I have someone who cares for me and ya know vampyres don't do normal very well.