I must apologize to the world for my grumpiness today. It is my mothers birthday and I was having one of those days where I remember how much I miss her. She would have been 59. i put a lot of negative energy out in the world and I'm sorry. Some days I know she's around then there are other days I feel alone and that I am lost the most. I miss her and wish she was here to guide me and give me the advice that I need. In the end I couldn't take care of here like she did me. So I kind of feel like shit for the way I've treated people. Here I am alone in need of more than just a kind word but someone to comfort me. I know I can stand alone but occasionally I need that support but its ok. I'm going to be alright.

Hmm?

What do you do? I don't know but I realize that I just have to stop caring because its causing me too much heart ache and stress. A zebra cannot change it's stripes and a demon cannot change it's horns. Let the pieces fall where they fall and I can only accept it in the end. I will regain my strength so that I may stand on my own when there is only me left. The universe will settle it all in its own way. I am but a humble worker and watcher. I will not press my will against any others. I will let them stand and do what they will. The out come they will deal with and I will stand whole and pure. Let those who will lie, deceive, wish I'll toward me and go against me no only the wrath that comes from my rage and perseverance. Those who intend/ed nothing but good deeds and positivity be met with the same. As it will be from this day to end of my days.

What's the deal with the porn?

Over the last few weeks there's been this overflow on the web about pornography. Someone found someone's porn and it became a big deal, people get shocked about the porn etc. I don't get why it's such a big deal. Men and women alike watch porn. It doesn't matter! Ok I lie, it does matter based on the genre. As long as it's normal and nothing that involves animals or bathroom situations (if you get my drift). We are all adults so we are allowed to be entertained by adult films. Everyone masturbates (unless your religion says not to), everyone enjoys watching others perform, some use them for relationship reasons and still others use them for research for their personal bedroom time.

It doesn't matter people. Get over it. It doesn't mean you're not doing your job in the bed. Don't freak out. It's just porn.

A religious experience

I have not done much work in way of anything religious. I meditate occasionally and I speak openly to the universe a couple times a month. Tonight I went into the altar room and spoke with Santa Muerte b/c it is/was all saints day and day of the dead. I won't go into great detail but it was something to experience. the overwhelming sense of existence and life and otherworldly energies. B/c it was something very personal I will not go into detail but I will say that it changes things within me. Intense is a great word to describe it. I'm not saying that I am completely a different person but something is different. I think in different languages often but this was different it was ...special. I won't soon forget it.

This was not something random. Since we moved and possibly before we moved I was drawn to her without knowing much about her. When he began to work with her there as something there. I can't describe it. It was like an attraction of sorts. I was very curious and wanted nothing but the best for her. Then this evening he mentioned it would be a good time to speak with her. I thought nothing of it b/c I hadnt talked to Her ever. Then I felt it in me. I had to. I stopped everything that i was doing and I went to Her.

Something is afoot.

Some days I feel weak

Ever have one of those days where you want to throw in the towel? I am having one of those days. I don't feel well, hate being in the magenta palace and had a dream about my mom that made me realize how much I miss her. Kind of wish something would happen so I wouldn't have to enter the palace. How awful is that? My spirit is weak, my body is weak and my mind is heading that way. Trying to get back focused. Time to let the tiger out. Stay away from this mundane bullshit.

Morning sex makes even the crappy job awesome, sorta lol

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EXTREME KITTEN CLOSE UP!

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Letter to the useless one

Dear Girl,

I understand that you are not used to having to behave like an adult. I have known you, well I guess more like of you, for a year. All the time I have known you there are always the same conversations and mistakes being made. One time it is a mistake the second, and all times after, is a choice being made. We have all gone through life at some point where it seemed to always, as you say, suck. Guess what…this is what life is about. Learning experiences. I understand that you are a sympathetic vampire and that brings a lot of chaos to your life. No one is going to want to help you and teach you because you are so fucking whiny and cannot take responsibility for your own actions. You are in your mid twenties I believe and you should not be making the same mistakes you made as a 17 year old. You got fired from your job which was in and of itself your fault for being hung over and taking a nap while you were supposed to be working. An adult would immediately look for other work. In the whirl wind of job hunting you still have the option to file for unemployment to bring in some sort of income so that you do not get kicked out of your apartment. Having vampiric tendencies also gives you a hand up during interview processes and call backs. Of course you do not know how to use such advantages. V-neck sweaters will only get you so far sweetheart. But instead you prefer to play the Cullen role and be a whiny little bitch. Shut the fuck up and do something about it.

When life gives you obstacles you are to run past them or go over them not stand there looking at them and crying. You allow your boyfriend who I am pretty sure is abusive in one form or another get away with murder. Your parents helped you get the apartment so he cannot make the rules and he cannot keep the money from you. You took care of his ass when you were working full time it is time for him to return the favor. If you need gas money or a ride to work he is the one you are supposed to be reaching out to not the people you barely know and caused conflict with. You let him walk all over you because you want someone to want you. Sorry to say he’s fucking someone behind your back. He is holding having a job over you because you are not trying to get another job. My man did a work spell for you but because you are so lazy and just want things to complain about you did not hold up your end of the bargain. He told you that if you are not actively looking for work that you will not find it. You seem to think he has failed because you did not get a 9-5 in retail or an office, but aren’t you fixing computers? Are you not being paid for work that would not have come your way if the universe had not been asked to assist? Now is the time you should say thank you. He went with a spirit to aid you and he would not reward Him until you had incoming work. So you are an ungrateful little slut.

You are used to being handed the world by your parents. The smart move would be to go home and let them take care of you since you are not smart enough to take care of yourself. When you do get money you use it on alcohol and drugs instead of things like food, toilet paper and soap. Things that you know you need. You surround yourself with negativity and wonder why only bad shit happens. I learned that lesson when I was younger than you. I have been through the worst part of my life at this point when I was your age and younger. I lost the one person that I thought would love me forever. I had all material possessions destroyed and I was diagnosed with cancer. I fell in love again just to personally fuck it up and lose him. I thought it was horrible and the world was against until I did realize that it only got worse because I was only embracing the bad. Turn your life around by turning your views around. I am not giving you no inspirational speaker bullshit. I am telling you what is real. Words are power and that power will follow the energy in those words. You keep saying the world is out to get you guess what the world will be out to get you. Take a breath and realize the world is what you make of it. Think of every day as the map to your future. You have to draw your own path. Climb out the pity party hole and take it by the horns. A little positivity goes a long way. No one is going to be there to always take care of you.

You need to learn to take care of yourself. You lost your job. You’re a cutter. You’re an alcoholic. Honestly you’re one breath away from killing yourself or someone else. If you don’t get your shit together you’re going to lose in a big way. Stop talking about how bad it is and do something to make it better. Get off your ass and start looking for a job. You cannot be turned down for something that I was hired to do. You cannot be choosey at this point. Who cares if you want to be a executive at some computer company? You are not going to get there by sitting on your ass and doing nothing. Initiative is what employers want. You got laid off so what did you do? Some employer will ask you that and your answer will be ‘I did nothing because it was not handed to me’. We’ve all done crappy jobs while working to better ourselves. I worked 7-11 twice! You think that I liked it? You think that there weren’t times where I realized my potential was being wasted? Guess what I went out there and applied at jobs while I was working because I knew that place was not going to be my life but a stepping stone to a better place. You gotta do some slop jobs to get where you want to be. You need a dream and a passion. Do not allow someone to dictate what you can dream. If you have no ambition then you might as well forget life and settle for popping out babies and being barefoot in the kitchen because that is what you're going to be good for. If you don’t want to make something of yourself you cannot blame others for your failures. There are times where I want to give up working hard to be a published author because there is so much more to it than just writing and being creative. Then I remember it is my passion and no one can take that from me. You cannot be lazy and expect the world to deliver wealth to you just because you want it.

Struggles are where you learn the most about yourself. If you give up then you know that you are a quitter and will never amount to anything. If you find a way out one way or another no matter what then you’ll know that you are a fighter and can achieve anything. So shut the hell up, stop lying, take a shower and get out there and make something of yourself.

Sincerely,

One pissed off cat.

Every now and again I wonder about where I would be if there had never been an awakening. Or what if I had been older? Would I have coped as well? Would I have freaked the fuck out? I like to believe i probably would have freaked the fuck out. I have the intelligence that I have now b/c of the experiences I went through. I know if I had not gone through it all then I would not have the patience and tolerance that I have now. I would be a different person and probably not as happy and perky and nice as I am now. I know I'd be a stereotype b/c I wouldn't have been drawn to the crowd that I grew up with. I will not lie to myself and say I would be just the same b/c I know I wouldn't be. I may not even be free I may have gotten locked up or something of the sort. But who knows? Right.

Home

I don't know who I am anymore. Some where along the way I lost myself and I can't find that woman, that tiger.....I wanna go home

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Tomorrow never dies

Sometimes I just wanna die so that I can start over. Why was I so ready to live in this world? Love keeps me here but I don't know if it'll always be enough. I wanna go home. This world is done for. I can make no changes. I have done all that I can do. It is time to transcend. It is time for ascension.

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What do I want to do? Occasionally I just don't want to do anything. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in my next life. I don't know. Then other days all the worlds a stage! I just can't seem to get on the same page more than once.

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They say you have to suffer for your art. Well dammit I think I've got that down. The last six months has given me inspiration for all sorts of work I just don't know where to channel it.

Weak

Its funny. I didn't want a relationship for a long time. Now I've become accustom to it and it makes me feel weak. I cannot tell him how I feel because he'll just say I'm being dramatic. I dont want him to do things but I can't tell him because then I'm controlling. I find myself being jealous which I hate. I wish I was of those girls that could be easy and polyamorous. I'm not. I wish I could brain wash myself to be more of who he wants, but I can't. I'm no jezebel. I'm weak and a push over. I allow myself to be walked over then get mad after. I'm a tiger waiting for her mate to die so she can move on.

He'd be better off without me judging and causing him grief. This being in love crap is going to kill me. I like to lie to myself when I lie to him. Hoping one day I'll believe it. Some days I think I'm cursed others I think I'm blessed. I thought it was meant to be and the last month was a test, but now I realize its probably goodbye.

I wish I were a whore so I could believe in sex without hurting the love ones. I wish I could be a hedonist. There's just not enough purell in the world.

"what use is a paper heart in the pouring rain?"


The vampire and the tiger.....sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. Hopefully next time I won't be the butt of it.

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Being mundane

We all live in this mundane world and I just don't get why. Some days it is easy and other days it is tough as nails. Ok so I won't run out and tell the world what I am and what I live with but it is damn sure hard to pretend you're normal when the dumb bitch thinks she can look down on you. *sigh* It isn't her fault she's ignorant and a puppet. It isn't her fault that she doesn't understand why and how reiki works. It isn't her fault that her "teacher" has no idea how to do a past life regression properly. But it is totally her fault that she thinks that her "new age skills" are better than mine. One day.....one day I am going to show her what energy work at its finest is like. Anywho. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant and easily brain washed. I realized just how easy it is for the mundane to be brainwashed.

There was a training at work. I guess b/c I know reprogramming when I see it I was not ready to accept what they told us blindly. It is also part of why I am struggling so much b/c I cannot change how I think to anything that is deemed lesser than my current mental capacity. Could I pretend so I could pass the training? Hell yea. It was just NLP at its weakest. Could I spit that crap without using the training and notes? Yes. Do I believe in what they "taught" us? No. The thing they failed to realize is that the skills they were trying to teach was made for in person manipulation. Or just the weak minded, so it is successful on 80% of the clients at work. During that training I understood what being in a flock of sheep is like. The shepherd said follow and so they did. When I challenged their techniques and pointed out more effect means they acted as if I never said a damn word. From that point on I realized it is better just to keep my head down. B/c soon after I got pulled aside for a 'talk'. I wasn't even rebelling for real just trying to help improve the situation. The results proved that it was a bunch of crap. The statistics fell. Implementing the brainwashing caused the entire building to fail and CEOs came a knocking. So now we're doing things the way I suggested. Hmm....what's that??? Increase in our statistics?? Who would have thought? I wanted to say 'hey I told you so' but I didn't I just stay hidden among the sheep not to scare the flock.

I want to be normal some days. I really do. I want to be rid of the knowledge that i possess and just be normal human. I can't I have someone who cares for me and ya know vampyres don't do normal very well.

Every vampire needs a pet. Occasionally it's a sucky job other times it is wonderful. I think that's why she wants to be my friend but thee position is already filled.

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Pet surprises

Normally my cat hides when people cover over. I am now realizing that its just the mundanes. It makes sense since neither of her owners are mundane. We hadn't thought about it until today. A newly awakened individual came by and she didn't hide. My cat is prejudice against the mundane. That is all

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Changes

Things always change. It is part of life. The big thing is how someone deals with change. I like change because I get bored of the same old crap day in and day out. I am moving and starting a new writing project. It feels amazing. I am worried about how the changes will affect relationships.

It isn't the voices in your head

Went to see my mom today. Some people believe that in graveyards there are just dead folks walking around lost and lonely. They lie to you. There are not that many lost spirits around there. I think there are more animals than people just walking around. There was a couple there today. They weren't lost they were just there and didn't even realize I was there. There were more kittens and hawks and puppies just hanging around. I guess I go out there to see if one day my mom will be there. She never is which I guess is a good thing. I know I feel her presence but never more. I don't know what I believe yet as far as the after life. I assume we all move on until were ascend. Why there are spirits still here? I haven't gotten that far in my studies. I just know how to find them and close them out when need be. I never really thought about asking.

Random prose

This darkness it eats away at you. I've watched you in all your glory become nothing but a bad reflection of your self. Lost and a danger to those that ask of your well being. The rain clouds never vanish from your world. I hand your the umbrella but you ignore it. So destined to be nothing more than a sad memory

Silver bullets and tiaras.

Unedited rant! So everyone knows that otherkin exist. I don't how much you believe or not. I have a friend who doesn't know anything about anything and she goes "there's something about you. you're part cat." I have never laughed so hard internally ever. I made a joke about a scratch that I had gotten from a friend's cat. So I said "the full moons tomorrow let's see if I turn into a werekitten." She got serious and was like "we already know I've seen your reflexes and unexplainable strength". So I never said a thing b/c she just wouldn't be able to wrap her mind about it. How do explain to someone who doesn't understand the mundane world about the extraordinary world? I chose not to and just ate my ice cream in peace.

One thing I love about my boyfriend is that he gets me. No matter how weird it is to have your fiance be part pet he still loves me. He said something the other day that made everything else just blow for the rest of the day. He goes "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I bet you were a beautiful tiger". He may never know how much that means to me but it means the world. He loves everything about me even when I get difficult and I'm more tiger than woman b/c something has pissed me the f off. It doesn't hurt that he's an occult expert. Its just been crap on my mind.

How do you live in a mundane world when you're anything but? I tell you it is the hardest thing in the world some days b/c you look at people and realize how much they are wasting their lives and you're just trying to be normal. I am a bit territorial and I can't explain that to regular folks of why you need to keep away from people and my desk. Or how they may get punched in the face because they are messing with my pride and they don't know it. When I know that I am better than people at work I feel like I should be able to challenge them and when I win i get to take their place. Other times I am just like them and I get into that jersey shore mentality. Not for long but enough to make me want to puke a little. IDK. I think i'm done ranting now