These Times

The times are supposed to be so free and understanding but it seems that we have not advanced at all. One man with PTSD kills a few people and b/c of his nationality he's a terrorist. When another white man who also suffers from PTSD is assumed to be christian kills more people and his family but is just criminally insane. Hmmm?? A woman can kiss another woman or even have intercourse and its acceptable but a man briefly kisses another man and its sinful and wrong. Hmmm?? A middle aged woman likes the men very young and she gets a cool nickname. A man likes a younger woman and hes a pervert. Hmmmm??? Double standards much. There can't be acceptance with a clause. You accept people as they are or you don't. You believe everyone can live their life as they wish or you hate.

Be real to yourself don't lie b/c you don't want to be judged. Then when you're with your own kind say what you really mean. That makes you two faced. Be true to your own beliefs and never change your mind b/c you think those around you will find it unacceptable. Your views are yours and we are not going to judge just b/c you don't agree with us. I hate stereotypes but that doesn't mean just b/c your friends are that I hate your friends I just won't deal with them. I understand that they want to be cliche and predictable. I work in a christian world 24/7 but I don't let them dictate who I'm going to be. We work to not offend but it might make for a complicated relationship.

In this world there are situations that will make you very uncomfortable and we get that. Just know that you are not alone. Let go of the double standards and judge everyone the same b/c its only fair. When we judge you we're judging you just like we judged the person before you.

First tale of vacation...

So my trip to NOLA. One of the best trips ever and my first real vacation. That city is full of history. I am a bit of a nerd so I was happy just walking around looking at the architecture and historical sights. It was beautiful. Being sensitive with a sixth sense it was an adventure. I now understand why it is one of the most haunted cities in America. It wasn’t bad haunts though. It was normal spirits just hanging out like people. It was awesome being in a city where the occult and esoteric is just second nature. They do not lie when they say that is a city full of vampires and other beings. Halloween is always the time when others come out and play because no one notices us. I fell in infatuation with another feline. The time that he had taken with his makeup and costume was marvelous. If I lived there I would’ve gotten rid of girlfriend and settled down. The closest anyone gets to physical shift is well applied prosthetics and makeup. He was gorgeous. There was another but she wasn’t put together as well. I’ll post pictures when I can get everything together.

Sum up my music life.

I am that rocker chick with a hip-hop soul and an emo heart line dancing in my fishnets and motorcycle boots flashing the red gold and green underneath the disco ball headbanging while humming pop beats swinging my hips to the salsa rhythm of the night with my smudge proof line and body glitter strumming the four chords waving my hands in the air avoiding the flashing lights smoothing the wrinkles out the hot pink tutu hearing the violen whisper tomorrow may never come sharing kisses with whats-her-name bouncing on my toes cuz i want it that way. That's the way I like it.

Just got back from nola. Lots of interesting things. Ill have to blog when my nets back up. I had tried from the phone but even with a full qwerty it feels weird.

Vampires? Vampyres?

Myth....legend....reality......

Young Marriages

I have been watching a few things over the last few months. One thing that I have noticed is that people are getting married younger and younger. I don't understand why would anyone want to get married so young. I realized as a child yea I wanted to get married and have that fairy tale day....until I was a teenager. I realized that I really didn't want to spend the rest of my life with one person starting off that young. I am also not promiscuous as other people are. I just feel that I should be out of my twenties before I decided that this one person is mine. It has to be 90% of those marriages have to fail. That is time you cannot get back and things that you have done you may never forget bad or good. There are obviously some good things but there is no way the good out weighs the bad.
I found out that my little sister is pregnant or rather just gave birth and she is under the age of 20. I don't know how it happened because we live apart now but I know we were raised the same until the end. She lost a lot that I tried to give her back but was too late. Now her life is gone. When I see things like this it upsets me and I see just another statistic. At some point there is going to be that thought of regret. My mother told me once when I was little that she wished she had had that abortion b/c she wasn't able to go on with her life the way she planned. Years later once she saw who I was as a person she apologized and was happy that she had me. She realized that she had lost 15 years of her life but gained someone special out of it. Before she passed we had mended out relationship and were friends. What happens when that person isn't a child? She had still had that thought. Marriages are already failing with adults why are children doing it now??
I just had a thought. I'm done.

Wingman or wing woman? titles don't matter

Just got a call from a co-worker. Apparently I am the best wing man ever. I talk to everyone at work just b/c you never know who you may need to rely on. I talk about the people I know there b/c I hang out with them. This guy who we'll call Paul calls me and says "Tamz thanks girl you are the best wing man ever". Some long forgotten conversations that I had with Jerry the cute little gay guy I befriended right out of training left strong impressions. So they hooked up last night and have some sort of relationship. This is like the third maybe forth time I've aided in someone's love life. I might have future I never considered

Two vampires and two lycans walk into a party…..

How nice it would have been if that had been the beginning of a joke and not my Friday night. It was funny. There were probably about 2 real occultist, 1 practitioner, 1 energy worker, 10 wannabes and me. I don’t know where I fit there yet b/c I’m all over the place with my studies. There were two vampires, a wolf boy and me ya know we were one dragon short of a D&D deck. LOL! Of course if when I say vampire, you’re thinking count Dracula a blood sucker then you read too many novels. If you know what I’m talking about then thank you.
It had been a while since I had been around another O.K. person. I like puppies so the fact that it was a wolf was not lost on me. Then shortly there after, I remembered why I don’t bring puppies home. Who cries in the middle of a party and falls asleep on someone else’s couch??? Wolf boy, like all that I have met, tall dark and ok looking with long hair proved to be as depressed as the rest. Are the newly awakened always so….moody and weak? I remember being a little weak but not because of what I am or someone who broke up with me. I was very ill and that depressed me at a younger age but never in the middle of someone’s birthday that I don’t even know. So wolf boy was a bust and I was left being the only non-vamp non-mundane at the party. Then the argument btwn the wanna-bes and the reals got into there usual bickering. When you tell me someone is magically being attacked as they stand by me and say you're helping them out then you need to prove it to me. I don’t walk into a room and not feel energy shifting through it. I don’t like people to lie to my face and think I won’t notice. There wasn’t anyone being attacked by energy only by bad cases of alcoholism. I’m not big at socializing and when a room gets filled with drunken crazy people it scares me in a funny way. The drunkest and the craziest always seem to be drawn to me. So when the wanna-be fang set popped by and started chatting me up it was no surprise. She called me chaos b/c she couldn’t remember my name. I don’t think of myself as chaos but of course with my shields swirling around me to protect me from the ambient energy it may have felt chaotic. I am pretty much the one kept together in one motion and am pretty predictable, which is the opposite of chaos. Trying to channel the crazy while the wolf if being all depressed was a lot more work when you’re also filtering the drunk out.
I just want to find more people like me who are pass being adolescents. I know when people are awakened or whatever you want to call it then it can take time to get mature in your new skin, pun very much intended. Ya know, there are houses and groups all over the nation let alone the world of vampire and fae but very few others. I had a pride once……a long, long time ago. I miss it. A lot. But it is what it is. Some of us are solitary I just have to remember that.

Past to Present

I am a writer in training. OK maybe not training more like trying to get my mojo back flowing. I recently moved and while unpacking I came across like half of everything I've ever written. I have been trying to get back writing again and this has got me inspired again. I had this one story that I wrote for a friend for her birthday and when I went back and read I had forgotten how it ended. Man......that story was so intense I couldn't remember writing half of it. It moved me. I know that that sounds kind of conceited but I don't mean it to. I just had never thought I could think so thoroughly through a subject and render myself speechless and pissed at myself. It was good. Of course once I read that everything else I had written just wasn't on par. SO now I'm working on using everything that I've learned in the last five years since writing it to do better or at least the same. Preferably better.

Things you don't do in public #1 belch if you are a woman. People just give you bad looks. Sometimes we get gas too and can't swallow it down. It happens.

Running into thoughts

You ever just run into a thought and not realize how much it has changed you? I had a thought as I woke up from my nap before work (didn't get a full nights sleep) what would it had been like if I had died before I graduated??? How many lives would be different? Have I ever influenced someone's life so much that it would be completely different without me? Would it be good or bad or both? Then I realized this wasn't the first time I had that thought. Back when I had been given the death sentence I had a thought about what the world would be like without me and that is why I make a point to always bring the cheer or attitude. I want to make one moment in everyone's life I meet unforgettable. Even if they only remember me for that moment and have no recollection of who I am but that moment changed something in them.

Point in case is at my new job there's a female who was friends with my boyfriend at the time and now I work with her. Something I did almost 10 years ago pissed her off so bad she's been bad mouthing me. I have no idea what it was and hardly remember her but she never forgot me. When we ran in the same circles I was nothing but fun so it's probably some crap about a boy or we wore the same dress something lame, but it made a difference in her life. What more can I ask for?? Make me a legend, I'm worth it lol :)

Weirdest story ever told about me started with, "yea my girlfriends a lesbian but she's in love me..." Most honest story I've told ended with "yea I'm a lesbian, I just happen to have fallen in love with a man." Strange shit happens and you cannot choose who you're going to love. Let love be love no matter what. I took that hit from the gay community and I've taken the hit from the straight community. My track record was women until I fell in love with my best friend. Shit happens and that's why they invented toilet paper. Why does it matter to you anyway when you're gone through 3 divorces but I can't have one marriage???

Cheating??

So I had a long conversation with a friend and tried to define what cheating is. From my pov and the way I think of relationships in general determines what cheating is for me. Cheating is getting emotionally or physically involved behind someones back. Right now the relationship that I am we both know that the mundane need to marry and settle down just doesn't make sense when your life expectancy is more than 30 years, and the til death do us part makes no sense at all. There are things, very few things, that I am not willing to do or just feel uncomfortable doing sexually so I cannot hold someone else from things that they enjoy. My partner is allowed to make sure those needs are met as long as I know about it and it doesn't happen too often. The same goes for me. No! emotional involvement ever. If there is even the smallest inkling of some sort of emotional connection it is time to get out of that one time fling b/c that becomes dangerous ground. Been there destroyed that, not fun. Love and be loved.

Now my friend feels that cheating is anything with anyone who is not the person you are committed to. Committed to also means living together even if you are in an open relationship. Holding hands, kissing, most def anything of the sexual nature and even simply flirting. Not quite that Christian sense of biblical togetherness but damn near close. It kind of made me feel like a sexual deviant and just plan dirty and wrong. Well, until I realize I have a lot more fun. He was hurt though. Very hurt by someone who lied to him and that formed something inside of him and he needs to not hurt any more or again. That I understand. When shit happens it changes you especially when its something that burns into your psyche. Be one and with one.

Most importantly be true to your self. Don't let anyone tell you what you should feel or how you should act. Be happy. I still try to get married even though I don't really want to just b/c it was ground into me when I was little. I know that I will not be happy in marriage right now but its still inside. I am not a slut by all means. I can name most if not all of my partners and in the last 4 years i can count them all on one hand.....ok 2 hands. I know what most of them are up and we're still very close. I am very careful and not an idiot. If I'm going to catch a disease and die it will not be a STI, for sure.

Cheating.....what is it? why is it?

Back in action or at least action sentences

It has been a long time since I have been by. So HI!! blog. New job, with training, moving and new kitten has kind of taken up my time. Everything is well. New job is working out now that I am out of training, still packing and getting ready to move and the kitten is evil and lovable. Kitten....yea she's a handful.

So I love House. I watched it last night....and....WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT???!!! Really??? Kal Penn?? I understand that is an opportunity of a life time but I loved your character so much and they killed him off. They didn't just kill him they had him commit suicide. I am pissed. I don't watch too much tv and it's one of my favorite shows and now I'm mad at it. *pout* Ok I'm better.

Its almost 2 am so I'll save the ranting for later. Time for bed. Good night.

People as pets b/c they are manipulated easily

Testing humans and their habits has been a very fun time. Someone said to me “I don’t let what others say affect my actions or how I think”. I thought about that for a couple days and started my experiment. This is one of my new co-workers and she’s a little…..hood-ratish. There’s this guy who is like GQ suburban thug more GQ than thug. Yea there is such a thing as a suburban thug. A thug who used to a hustler in the hood but has graduated and done something with his life, but still have carries on the aspects of the thug lifestyle b/c its been engrained in them. Anyway……. The characters are going to be, uh, Marie and Vince to protect the identities of those involved.
After I had a couple of days to think and plan my experiment I moved forward. I told Marie that Vince had a crush on her. He is not the type of guy she’s into. She likes high rollers who are flashy and big spenders. Vince is not so much that type of guy. The first day there was not much of a change. After that it was heads first flirting. She isn’t Vince’s type. He likes funny smart girls who are thinkers and head strong. The funny thing is Vince has a crush on me. Yea that made things even more interesting. B/c now the experiment is, will she treat him differently and how will she treat me since he isn’t interested in her? No one knows except me that this is going on. He’s cool people and he’s going to be on my team once I’m out of training so we hang out at lunch and talk. She hasn’t changed her attitude toward me yet but I’m expecting soon. I do get those eyes from her when we’re laughing together. It’s still on for another 4 weeks until we split into our normal groups. There will be and update.


TBC

Who's in your bed?

Gay or Straight? Neither. The world is full of people who feel that you have to be one or the other. Nope. In the history books everyone was just full of love and no one cared about who was with whom. At some point someone decided that it was wrong to just be loving on everyone. Why? It doesn’t matter who you love or want to be with. I don’t care what people think b/c this is my life and I will love anyone and possibly everyone. Bisexual isn’t an option from my POV bisexual doesn’t exist. Most people who claim to be bisexual just want attention b/c it’s usually some loud chick who wants everyone paying attention to her. Yeah I said chick b/c I haven’t encountered a male who considered themselves extremely bisexual. There’s always some female who had a bad experience with guys and just wants to be like all her little friends who also probably never have been with a woman. It pisses me off. If you like both then guess what you’re human. Its human nature to be in love with whom ever your heart feels is worth your time. It doesn’t matter what’s in their pants and under their shirts. Love is love and love and why should it matter? I just don’t see where it’s a big deal. I grew up and my mom had gay friends and I had gay and straight friends. It doesn’t really matter. I guarantee that people who might not know about me won’t change their mind about how they feel about me b/c of who I take into my bedroom. I just doesn’t change who you are. There are straight people I hate and gay people. I am an equal opportunity hater and lover. I am prejudice. I don’t like anyone who isn’t like me. Screw people who want to hate over something so insignificant.

I'm done now. I just had a moment today. I'm good now.

Talking to the dead

Every now and then it is something that must be done. My mother passed almost a year ago now. It was hard at first, very, very hard. I had closed myself off and I just couldn't deal with it. Once I realized it wasn't anything I could control she came to me and we could speak freely with one another. It's mostly just going through as if nothing has changed. Then there are times that she is trying to get to me but I am not opened and it comes out all fucked up. Where I have witnessed her dying or her casket is on my bed things that scare the shit out of me. I waited a very long time before visiting the graveyard again. I went out there a few days ago and it was insane. Since I am already sensitive to other worldly vibrations it was like walking into a Starbucks. I hadn't really realized that I left myself so opened to all dead. I worked in an environment where it was usually chaotic so any new voices or actions wouldn't make their way to me. But when I was alone just me and my thoughts it was there all of them.
I have been working a little toward becoming efficient with necromancy on all levels. I have taken too much time off from studying that I have become a little rusty. So when the dead speak I'm sometimes overwhelmed. Now in private I have picked up my studying. When its just me and the kitten b/c it makes things easier. Once I move into my bigger place I'll be able to set everything up the way it needs to be and it'll be easier.

First Blog

Hmmm......my blog. This is my first blog for this blog. I don't really have a specific outline for this blog. Its just where the thoughts go. There is no purpose, there is no mission. The first post is always the hardest so now the next one will be easy.